


It's a miracle you survived yesterday!

by Knew_at_This



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Panic Attacks, big brother howie "chimney" han
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knew_at_This/pseuds/Knew_at_This
Summary: This is my take on the scene where Buck explains everything to Bobby, Hen, and Eddie and then has an awkward confrontation with Chimney.
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

"It's a miracle you even survived childhood!" Hen said.  
"It's a miracle you survived yesterday!" Eddie countered.  
"It was the only way I could get there attention," Buck admitted. "Guess now we know why. They never wanted another kid, they just had me for parts. Defective parts it turned out"  
"Hey. That's not on you." Eddie said with a 'you don't really believe that, do you?' look on his face.  
"I doubt they would agree," Buck said looking down at his hands. He couldn't seem to keep eye contact with any of them for more than a second, so he missed the concerned glances Bobby, Hen, and Eddie shared.  
"Have you talked to them about it?" Bobby asked.  
"What am I going to say?" Buck asked rhetorically, "I'm really sorry about your dead son, but can we just talk about me for a minute?"  
"Daniel wasn't their only son!" Hen said. "You matter too, Buck!"  
"No, I know," Buck reassured her, "just not to them."  
Hen gave him a look. It was a mix between a 'you know that's not true' look and a 'what're we gonna do with you' look.  
"Sorry I'm late Cap!" Chim said walking up the stairs.  
"Hey, can we talk in private?" Chim asked Buck.  
"Uuuuhhh, no neeed. Come on, they--uuh--they all heard the story!" Buck said, gesturing towards the rest of them sitting around to dining table. Eddie looked down into his lap and bit his bottom lip, Hen looked to Eddie for direction, Bobby's face was unreadable, and Chimney looked as uncomfortable about this happening in front of everyone as the rest of them looked.  
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Believe me, I wanted to."  
"Look, I get it. I'm not mad at you. Maddie put you in a tough spot." Buck said, his delivery contradicting his words. "She does that."  
"Wait," Chim grabbed Bucks elbow as he went to pass him, "don't be angry with Maddie, she's really torn up about the whole thing!"  
Buck stops to face him.  
"I'm not angry with Maddie. She was just a kid herself! And by the time she wasn't a kid anymore she was dealing Doug, and I was the last of her worries. And, I mean she's just barely got over all that, how could I be mad at her when she was dealing with all that?"  
"So you're mad at me then?"  
"No, Chim! I'm glad Maddie finally has someone she can trust and confide in!"  
"So, you're not angry?" Chim asked, confused because Buck was clearly upset.  
"Who would I be angry with? You, for treating my sister right? Maddie for being too young to know any better and then for having much more serious issues to deal with? My parents for being to grief stricken by the loss of their son? Daniel for dying? Myself for letting him?" Buck gestured with his hands palm up in front of him, shrugging his shoulders and moving his hands.  
"Buck, that's not on you!" Eddie said, exasperatedly.  
"I know that! That's what I'm saying!"  
"So if you're not angry, what are you?" Chim asked.  
"I don't know Chimney. How am I supposed to react to this? In the span of three sentences I gained and lost a brother. Am I supposed to be grieving this child I've never met, have no memories of? Am I supposed to feel betrayed that my parents kept this secret from me for so long? Cuz you kind have to trust someone to feel betrayed by them."  
"There's no wrong way to feel about this Buck. Whatever you feel about this is the right way," Hen said, concern filling her voice.  
"Ya know, I when I was a kid I used to think it was me and Maddie against the world." The team exchanged glances once more, unsure of where the slight change in topic was going.  
"The sad part is, I'm not even sure if I'm surprised she kept something this big from me. I told Maddie everything, I never kept a secret from her, but the more I think about it, I can't remember a single time she confided in me." Buck said sadly.  
The team just listened.  
"I was ready to start fresh, just me and her. She agreed to go, promised it would be just like when we were kids. And when I came to pick her up, she had just left a note for me at the front desk. Couldn't even let me down in person."  
"Oh, Buck," Chim said, as if deflating. "Are you talking about the Jeep?"  
"Yeah?" Buck side eyed Chimney.  
"She wanted to go with you so badly--"  
"Then why didn't she?"  
"Doug found out," Chimeny's face was full of concern. "He threatened to kill you if you took her away from him."  
"It--it had already started by then?" Buck's breathing had gotten very shallow.  
Chim nodded, "he made sure she knew what would happen to you, to both of you, if she left him."  
"The Jeep. And the cash she gave me. She had been saving that to get away from him." Buck looked at Chimney for confirmation.  
Chimney just looked at him for a second. When he realized Buck wasn't going to look away until he got an answer, Chim nodded twice.  
They were all watching him, waiting for a reaction, but he was as still as the dead.  
Chim finally asked, "you okay, Buck?"  
"Yeah... I just...I just need a second" Buck said with shake of the head and turned and jogged down the stairs.

They were silent as his footsteps sounded down the stairs and the door to the bathroom squeaked opened and shut.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit" Eddie said looking around at the others.  
"Yeah," Chimney raised his eyebrows and nodded his head once.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck spirals. Chimney is there to help him.

Buck stood in front of a mirror, both hands on the sink in front of him. He looked up at himself in the mirror, as he felt his breath quicken.

He couldn't save Daniel. Everyone kept telling him it wasn't his fault. He kept telling himself it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it. If it wasn't his fault, why lie to him? Why keep it from him?  
And now Chimney tells him that it's his fault Maddie had to endure Doug for five more years. He took her way out. All because he was butt hurt at his parents. All because he did dumbass stunt after dumbass stunt and got kicked out of college. She practically raised him and how did he repay her? By condemning her to years of violence and abuse.  
Buck was panting now, like he had just run a mile uphill with full gear on. He tried to hold his breath to steady his breathing, but he couldn't. He turned the tap on and splashed his face.  
He looked in the mirror.  
It was his fault.  
He can't breath.  
He splashed his face again.  
It was his fault.  
He inhaled sharply, but his exhales let out less than he inhaled before he inhaled again.  
He scrubbed at his face, accidentally inhaling a bit of water and coughing.  
He finally dropped to the floor unceremoniously, face dripping, head between his knees.  
There was a knock on the door and Eddie's muffled voice broke through, "You okay in there, Buck?"  
"No" Buck gasped but no sound came out.  
"No." He tried again, and this time a strangled noise escaped him.  
Chim opened the door and dropped down next to Buck the second he registered what was going on.  
He put his hand on Buck back, "what's wrong? How can I help?"  
"It's my," shaky inhale, "fault."  
"He," sob, "he died," gasp for air through the tears, "because of me!"  
"No, no, no, Buck! That wasn't your fault!"  
Buck just nodded furiously and added, "She--she--she stayed with him..." gasping breath, "because of me."  
Bucks whole body was shaking with his breathless sobs. Chimney shuffled around so he was kneeling in front of Buck.  
"Look at me." Chimney grabbed his shoulder and tilted his head down so Buck had no choice but to look at him.  
"This is not your fault."  
"It is. It is." Buck shook his head furiously.  
"No. It is not. Maddie loves you. She would never blame you for any of this! And she would never put you in danger, no matter how well you can handle yourself!"  
Bucks sobs were subsiding slightly and his breathing was getting more even the more he spoke, but tears were still sliding down his face, his hands still shaking.  
"She was going to leave him, and I was too caught up in my stupid problems to see she was suffering and I made her take care of me like she always does, and then I was mad at her for not coming!"  
"Okay," Chimney said with a sad smile and shake of his head. "That doesn't make it your fault."  
"It does though."  
"No, it doesn't. She loves you and she wants to protect you, cuz she's your older sister. But she should have realized that you weren't a kid anymore, that you could've helped her. She should have confided in you. But she didn't because that's not how abuse works."  
Buck was holding on to Chim's every word, his breathing finally close to normal.  
"The signs were all there. I should have seen them!"  
"Even if you had, you couldn't have helped her until she let you," Chimney said sadly. "Establishing yourself and keeping in touch like you did--that was probably the best thing you could have done for her because when she wAs ready, she knew she could count on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda lost steam, so this isn’t the best thing I’ve ever written. I considered not even posting it, but instead I decided to just post it as is rather than abandon it. Don’t judge me, I know it’s thoroughly mediocre :/


End file.
